Coon-Gate '08

This is the first of many posts to come telling the torrid tale of

Man (Elliott)
vs.
Wild (Attic dwelling raccoons)

As if things with our "renovation" couldn't get more complicated or overwhelming, we now have a family of critters that have made their spring nest in our home. I know this because one night while standing in our laundry room discussing how we are going to dig ourselves out of The Money Pit that is our attic I looked over Elliott's head through the skylight and saw masked eyes looking back at me. Trying not to panic I told Elliott to turn around and confirm what I was seeing. Yes, a raccoon was sitting on the roof looking through the window at us with this disgusted look on his masked face, "what are you filthy humans doing in my house?"

I think raccoons are funny creatures and it made me feel special that they had chosen us as their human companions. I also felt that way about a mouse once and when he got caught steeling a cookie off the counter he crossed the human/critter barrier and our friendship ended there with a quick and echoing SNAP. So, I have this affection for them against my better judgment because I happen to know that raccoons are Satan's spawn. Heather has not had that many injuries at her job that require trips the emergency room but if I am counting correctly, 2 of the 4 have been from raccoons. Keep in mind she worked with lions and elephants and they may have bruised her but never sent her to the hospital. Pappy (Elliott's dad) also has stories about raccoons moving into his house and taking his clothes through a hole they made in the wall. Not good.

Once we saw the raccoon a few more mysterious goings on around the house started to make sense and we immediately knew where they were living. If you stop long enough to unlock the front door late at night you can hear scratching over your head on the porch and that is where they have made their home. I guess I am not the only one who finds a wrap around porch charming. Here is the thing that makes this an urgent matter: they stink. The smell has not been prevalent until this past week when is started warming up but now it smells like rodent in our attic. UNACCEPTABLE.

I did a little research on the internet, asked the experts in my life (Pappy and Heather) and called the Wildlife Services downtown division and the best advice they could give me was to shine a bright light and play music as loud as I could stand into the nest until they pack up and move out. No trapping because if we catch the parents then the babies will die and we will have the death of an entire bandit family on our hands.

When we got home from work last night we set to the task of extracting our roommates. Elliott got on the roof with a baseball bat to investigate where they were getting in and I stayed on the ground supervising. I am a really good supervisor. He found the point of entry and we began the mission "Coon-Gate 08".

Here is the plan:
-Position 1: Rooftop
Objective: Wake the sleeping bastards by stomping on the roof

-Position 2: Porch/Front lawn
Objective: Pound on the roof of the porch with a mop while cursing wildly. Follow the sound of scurrying and pound more. Every 10 minutes, check to make sure no bandit eyes are peeking out of the hole on the roof ready to pounce unarmed husband on steep roof.

-Tools Needed:
1. stereo to play Forrest Gump soundtrack as loud as it will go into the nesting area
2. mop for pounding
3. baseball bat for pounding and self-defense against rabid coons
4. One clueless dog that thinks all the excitement means it is time to throw his bone
5. A sense of humor and serious lack of dignity


If I were any good at drawing stick figures I would do a diagram and cartoon of what this looked like as we chased the noises of these invisible animals for hours last night. We were both covered in black insulation dust and vigorously beating our house. The only progress we made was finding out that there are indeed babies involved because you could hear them whining. Based on my Raccoon Noise Analysis (from here forward to be referred to as RNA) I believe the babies were being moved around during Phase I of Coon-Gate '08 and my hope is that the parental coon units decided to remove them during the night.

We will see. Please stand by for further updates.