Public Therapy

Written sitting in rehearsal for "Why We Tell The Story" 


Tonight I have chosen to do something very public as a form of personal therapy.  Selfish?  Perhaps.

I chose this venue to conjure my mother because the theater is one of the only physical places left that I know I can find her.  Most of the places I associate with her are gone but her spirit will always dwell inside the walls of theaters, so that is where I will go to be with her.

It has been a strange experience asking to be a part of the fund raiser this year.  This event has been a source of resentment for me for a few reasons but years have brought enough perspective and time has softened me and I have found I don't have room in my soul for resentment.

It was so funny to say to people that I had rehearsal.  We would mock my mom for that being her key phrase and I found it endlessly frustrating that no matter what my ask, that was always her excuse.  And here I was, not able to attend a family function or help with packing up our house to move because I had rehearsal.

This event was a great reminder that we all loved Syd differently and each knew her in our own way, conjuring different strengths.  I love these people.  I love Ashley Gerrett's disarming laugh, Chris Higbee's crooked mouth when he sings, I love that Angie Boyle is unaffected by all the drama surrounding her and her sincere gaze, I love that Zac Wilson can shed his shyness under the lights of the stage and I love that Natalie Hill is no nonsense.  These people are frozen in time for me.

I am wearing my mom's wedding ring tonight.  Hoping to feel her close while I stand on the stage knowing that she is cheering for me.  She is sitting on the edge of her seat leaning on the row in front of her or perhaps with her right hand on her knee, elbow popped. A 44oz Dr pepper perched precariously on the arm rest on front of her, leaning into my performance.  When I finish, she will clinch her fists an say a quiet but triumphant, "yes".

I know I can sing this.  I know I can.  Can I get over my fear?  I will tell myself the same thing I tell people who are heading into an audition,"the people who are here want you to succeed, as much if not more than you want yourself to succeed."

I got an email today from my beautiful aunt Cori that put the situation perfectly:  You carry her name, and have inherited her gifts and struggles, and I have confidence that she will help you tonight because she is just that way, and she loves you, too. She can direct you from within.