Asymmetry

I am in a constant internal fight with the world around me because I want to organize the world into lines.  If you want to torture me, put me in a queuing line where the ropes are wide and people are standing about all willy nilly with no regard for the orderly fashion that the ropes are trying to impose.

I think I was really meant to live in Germany or Japan where there is respect and understanding for order.  Forget that they were fighting for the same side during WWII and have a reputation for falling in line behind the wrong people...that is beside the point.

In my old age, I have learned that asymmetry has its place and I, in turn, am trying to make a place for it in my world which it is truly a struggle.  A great struggle similar to my aversion to wearing color. These are invitations to be noticed and I would rather avoid the attention of a wandering eye.  I would like to stand nicely in a row in my non branded jeans and black shirt with a grey coat on.  Perhaps I want to live on the set of Gattaca.

This internal fight manifests itself each spring as I struggle with how I know I would like my garden to look and the reality.  What I would like is for it to be a little wild with the plants growing where they feel it best, patches of color sprinkled by a variety of plant species each coming up at the appropriate stage of summer.  The veggies in beautiful rows where they thrive according to the light and produce colorful edibles to fill my basket.

What I end up with is bushes pruned too short, half dead flowing plants showing obvious neglect, unplanned placement of foliage inappropriate for the climate and uncreative rows of annual flowers scattered on the borders or in decrepit pots with little deviation in color.  The result, a poor presentation and a lot of regret with my personality struggles on display.

Please garden fairies, help me. I know it is not more work or more money to invest in the right things, I just get lost and cannot create a cohesive vision because I am trying to control nature and that never works out well.

Dealing with loss. Or the lack thereof

I am losing the following:

Sleep

Sanity

Handfulls of hair

Faith that this too shall pass

Patience

Perspective

Drive

In contrast, I am not losing:

My round belly & jiggly arms

Guilt

Cravings for sugar and boos

The desire for a new house

My appetite