Saying Goodbye to Sweet Gram

1923 ~ 2012
Afton Parrish Hansen, 88, gracefully stepped into eternity on August 22nd, 2012 from her home in Farmington, Utah. She was lovingly surrounded by the ones to whom she had given life. Though her heart was stilled, her love and influence live on.
Born November 13, 1923 in Blackfoot ID to George Washington Parrish and Elizabeth May Wood, she spent her childhood embracing the world around her, gathering asparagus from canal beds and cutting ice from the Snake River for the old Parrish Ice house. She was fearless and creative; hard working and driven. Her devotion to her family and her Lord kept her centered through a sometimes tumultuous life.
Afton was a deeply devoted mother who rose above her own struggles to provide for her seven children; Sharon Davis; Susan (Steve) Taylor; John (Jennifer) Hansen; George C. (Cyndy) Hansen; Ann Marie (Michael) Mullen; Corinne (David) Connors; and Elizabeth Hansen. Her children call her blessed, as do her 11 living grandchildren and their families, including 16 great grandchildren. We are comforted to imagine a joyful reunion with those who preceded her in death; including her grandson Clayton Hansen; her parents; four beloved sisters and four brothers. She is survived by her sisters Mae Merkley of Blackfoot, ID and Rebecca (Richard) Miskin of Ammon ID, as well as all her children, remaining grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces and nephews.
A skilled fisherman, she enjoyed the natural beauties of her home state. In 1963 Afton moved with her family from Idaho to Pittsburgh, PA. When she found herself a single parent she began a career path in sales that eventually led to a successful career as a Real Estate Agent and Broker. She was a lifetime member of the Million Dollar Club and a GRI graduate. She became one of the top selling agents in the Pittsburgh area. In 1982 she moved to Farmington Utah and continued her success in Real Estate. Her relationships with her clients deeply broadened her circle of friends, as her open heart seemed to bond people to her quickly. She truly loved the people she served.
A devotee of the arts, Afton took advantage of the opportunities afforded when she lived in PA. She spent Saturdays with her children at Carnegie Museum; took spontaneous trips to historic places in the eastern US, from bustling cities to quiet hamlets in upstate New York with sacred groves and hillsides. She recognized the beauties and opportunities around her and sacrificed in order to provide cultural enrichment to herself and her children. She was a world traveler, accompanying her daughter Libby on many international excursions. She appreciated good art, lovely writing and fine music, embracing many musical forms, and she encouraged her children and others to find and develop their talents. She taught her grandchildren to love poetry, and they can recite to this day the poems they learned at her knees.
Faithful to the end, she lived what she believed. Her devotion to, and confidence in, her Savior Jesus Christ was central in her life. And yet she allowed all people full access to her heart regardless of their beliefs. She was so well loved, by so many, because she loved so well.
Her physical challenges necessitated assistance in her waning years, and her family is eternally indebted to her youngest daughter, Libby, for her devotion, diligence, tenderness and personal sacrifice as she cared for our mother's every need. Gram was able to live and die with great dignity because of the devotion of our sister. 
The family also acknowledges with gratitude the exceptional care of Dr. Bruce Burtenshaw, as well as the tender attention and skill offered by Sharon Christensen with Rocky Mountain Hospice.
Friends and family may gather at the Hansen residence, 832 Emerald Oaks Court, Farmington, UT 84025 from 6-8 pm on Sunday, August 26. Additionally they may visit at the historic Rock Chapel of the LDS Church at 272 N. Main St. in Farmington from 10:30 -11:30 am on Monday, Aug 27th. Funeral services will follow at noon under the direction of Lindquist's Bountiful Mortuary.
We will lay our matriarch's earthly body to rest in Farmington City Cemetery. Her passion…her good humor…her dedication and devotion…her love without end…these we will keep forever alive in the memories we cherish and the way we live our lives. Condolences may be shared at www.lindquistmortuary.com

That's MY Mamma

It has been an emotionally challenging week.  But lets be honest, most weeks are emotionally challenging for me and I get to start the week wherever I want.  I am emotionally challenged lady, who reacts to those challenges in an emotional way.  Its a train wreck, just ask the people living and working with me who have spent the last year picking up, or more recently, stepping over the wreckage.

As I posted a few weeks ago, it was the anniversary of my mom's death.  Still so hard to believe she is gone because when I imagine my life I still see her in it.  I say it more often than I should but I honestly believe her death has made our relationship better.  A tragedy but a reality.

We struggled.  Two people with big personalities, strong opinions and only one of us had grown into her oversized personality with grace and the wisdom of years.  I was, and still am, self righteous and stubborn and now barreling through life with few people to keep me in check, like I relied on mother to do.

My mother loved me, in fact I think she loved me more than she loved her other children.  Part of my mom's magic is that each of us felt like we were the favorite and I will remember her with that understanding.  I was a challenge for her.

There was an amazing outpouring of love and grief from my mom's people on the anniversary of her death.  I am so grateful that she was loved by so many because I was not good at showing it.  Perhaps I didn't understand how love works when I had the opportunity to express my gratitude to her.  She certainly deserved the praise and needed the reassurance, something I could not offer.

Sadly, I find myself resentful of this public outpouring and I have been trying to come to terms with why I feel this way.  This is where I have landed to explain my emotional reaction:  she is my mom but these posts make it sound like she was everyone's mom and they were her favorite.  A privilege I would like to be limited to biological offspring.  I am afraid that all these people knew her better than I did.  I don't like that.

I don't like it but I think it may be true.

I was part of her but we were not part of each other's lives for years proceeding her death.  I thought she had found a better daughter (or 3) to fill my spot, who could love her the way she wanted to be loved.  I found boys and a career.

I would screen her weekly calls on Sunday, always a 2 show day and a load out. But she never missed a week.  Always leaving a message to tell me she loved me and wanting to know how I was and where I was.

I think of how much panic I feel when I don't know exactly where Q is and how permeating that anxiety is.  I am hoping that subsides with age or we are going to find ourselves in some trouble.  It must have been so hard for my mom to send me off to live on a bus, work with hoodlums, knowing I was drinking too much, not sleeping enough and without knowing where to find me as we moved from city to city.   Sorry Mom.  I should have answered the phone.

As I typed that last paragraph, I decided I am pulling a Rapunzel on Miss Q.  I will start construction on the tower this weekend.

Now that I have come to terms with why I feel so possessive of my mother's memory, I hope that I can let go a bit and better appreciate the outpouring that happens on her days.  She was in show business, where it is rewarded to wear your heart in a place others can see and feel every emotion.  I should not begrudge the publicly emotional nature of her people for they are my people too, even if I am removed from them now.  It is my heritage and where I go for refuge.

Won't you be my client?

Yesterday we took one of my clients out on a little adventure on the Weber river.  

It was my first time on the water since Q came to stay and I don't know why I chose to do it with a client in tow but I am good at making snap decisions that get me trouble so why not do it with a business relationship at risk?

It actually turned out to be a really great day and the client had a grand time.  I wish I was my client, life would be really good.  

I got a little tan, a little exercise and conquered my fear of the Highway 84 pylons gauntlet that took me down last time I floated that stretch of river. 

Perhaps it is time to get back on water a bit more often.  I just need to find a spot for my breast pump in the kayak. 

Let's make an event of it

Outdoor Retailer is over.

It was a bit of a challenge trying to manage child care, choosing between client socializing or being a responsible parent and after taking a year off, my legs are bloody sore from walking on the concrete.  I think a little bit of my sole leaked out with each beep of the forklift.

Fortunately we had another project going on at the same time, which was kinda my baby.  What I really want to do with my life is Produce Events so this was a nice break from the trade show world that put a little spring in my step.  We get to do some of this kind of stuff, but not enough to meet my appetite.

The idea was a little music festival sponsored by Keen Shoes in conjunction with Outdoor Retailer.

The event was done on the lot where Club DV8 burned down so a few safari tents, a mural and a waterfall later, we went from this:

to this:

to this:

We did everything except the waterfall and mural, those were farmed out.  

It was successful and hopefully we will be doing something similar for each upcoming show.  

New Website & Logo

I am really proud to be a partner and proud of the work we do at Atmosphere but I have often been apologetic about our image.  We suffer from being too busy to take care of ourselves.
Finally we have taken some action to fix it.  New logo, new website.  Take a look and find out what we do. A lot of people ask us and it is hard to explain so this website does a much better job than I often do.  If you see it in these pictures, we designed, built and installed it.  We are fancy.

Restoration

There is new life in the soil for every man. There is healing in the trees for tired minds and for our overburdened spirits, there is strength in the hills, if only we will lift up our eyes. Remember that nature is your great restorer.

CALVIN COOLIDGE

What we do best...sleep

Love to my boys who don't get enough attention or patience these days.  I adore you both, especially when you are sleeping.

On this day

I miss my mom.  Today is the anniversary of losing her and every year I think it will get easier but it doesn't and it infuriates me.  There just isn't anyone who will ever love you the way your mom does and this year, more than most, I have craved her.  I know she has been with me as I have gone through a pregnancy and the drama surrounding Q's birth but sometimes you just want to be held by your mom.

As we were driving last night, Q fell asleep with her head hanging to one side looking cramped and uncomfortable.  As I gently lifted her tiny head to prop it on a blanket, I burst into tears.  I cried because no one will ever touch me again with the deliberate tenderness that comes from your own mother's hands.  There is an unapologetic intimacy between mother and child that I find so much joy in, especially now that I am a mother.

I'm not the first and certainly not the last to lose my mother too early and am only one of four Riggs that miss her touch but it feels so personal and impossibly tragic today.

I have so many things I want to ask her.  I will keep those questions with me and as I travel through motherhood perhaps I will find the answers.

Thanks for loving me mom, the only way a mom can.

Blogging in my sleep

I have been blogging in my sleep, or my wake-sleep state, that is.  I can't believe the clever and insightful things I think of in my tired haze.  Now, can I conjure them in my more aware state of mind?

The Party

Grandma's party was a great success and we had more people come than I could have hoped for.
Grandma was overcome with joy as she saw each person arrive.  Her memory was sharper than usual, she was in great spirits and she looked beautiful.  I loved seeing her so happy.

 Grandma arriving at the church with her sister-in-law Pat Nix and her son Scott, where she announced, "there really is a party!"

 Grandma with her brother-in-law Kasey DeYoung, who lost his wife Pat in the past year.

 Grandma with her granddaughter, Jennifer Crist

 I love this photo because of her finger.  She is a pointer.

 Me and Miss Q, who slept through most of the event.

 The arrival of Marie Newton, Grandma's long time friend and roommate that she hasn't seen in years.  They served 3 missions together and lived in Grandma's house as roommates for years.

 Jennifer Crist, Adrian Young, Stephen Samuelson, Scott Samuelson, Shauna Samuelson and Melissa Samuelson Turley

 Elliott and Q, chillin

 Pop-pop and Q, falling in love.

Elliott's Gram, Elliott, My Grandma, Me & Miss Q.  

Cousins, grandkids and great grandkids

The Sweet Life @ 215 North

It is Grandma Dona's 90th birthday this weekend and as we prepare for the celebration she has been filling my thoughts more than usual. 

I took Miss Q to visit her in Rexburg last week and I had a rough time with how dramatically she changes each time I see her.  She has aged so drastically over the past 2 years and it is difficult to spend time with her and not be sad about the deterioration of her mind and body. 

She could not remember who Q was or what was happening one moment to the next.  She tried to make a cake to welcome us but even reading off the box she wasn't able to remember how to do it.  Uncle Scott stepped in to help so it would be ready when we arrived but the way it was frosted absolutely broke my heart.  This woman who taught me to be so particular when baking, was unable to assemble and frost this simple cake and it embarrassed her.

Her current state is difficult for me to accept but I have been unbelievably lucky to have her so close for many, many years and that is how I choose to think of her.

I grew up with my grandma living next door.  Any time I needed a lap to sit on or safe haven from my small world, all I had to do was cross the peach orchard to the white house on the South side of the family farm and there I would find Grandma Dona.  

Grandma working in her raspberry patch
October 2008

The orchard seemed so big to me when I was tiny and I would hurry past the mangled tree (where uncle Scott had glued eyes to the trunk), knee deep in asparagus and find my grandma working in the garden or kitchen. Despite the scary tree, I would never walk on the gravel road to get to Grandma's because that would mean crossing the irrigation ditch and it was made clear to me that doing so unattended, surely meant sudden death. 

I assumed everyone grew up this way; with fruit trees scattering their yards, large canning kitchens in the basements, wheat grass growing year round in mass on shelves in the house. Parents who got up in the middle of the night to turn the irrigation water down the ditch and flood the lawn and orchards, horses in the back yard and riding with my mom on an old white tractor to turn the soil.  The best part though was having my grandparents a 1 minute walk away.  We lived on our own farm oasis in the middle of the suburbs where having my grandparents at my disposal was taken for granted.

Grandma in her raspberry patch.
I love this photo because she is using a bucket tied around her waist with a dog leash
October 2008  

Me and Grandma at Timmy's high school graduation
 She told, "any girl wearing that dress needs a blessing"
May 2002 

3 Generations
May 2002

We had to have mom cover up her raccoon eyes she got from working outside at the Scera Shell
May 2002

The Yellow house where I grew up

About 2 years ago Grandma Dona had to leave her house on the farm, which over the past 15 years has become an island of memories amongst newly built homes, on land that once belonged to the family.  

The work in took to maintain her garden and the energy to care for thousands of square feet of house that was home to countless families in need for 35 years, had become too much for her.  Her aging body compounded by the anguish of losing my mother and being faced with looking out of her bedroom window onto the yellow house where I grew up, that is now filled with unkind strangers, was too much.

Me and Grandma at my wedding
February 2006

Me and Grandma on my 30th birthday
September 2007

Grandma at Sydney's baby shower
January 2008

Uncle Scott, Heather, Me & Grandma
After recording some history at the Story Corp Booth
April 2009

Me and Grandma @ Sydney's 2nd birthday party
February 2010

Grandma @ Sydney's 2nd birthday party
She could not keep her hands off the cotton candy
February 2010

Heather & Grandma @ Sydney's 2nd birthday party
February 2010

Last summer as we were having a garage sale to get rid of the last things Grandma had left behind, I took my grandma's favorite rose bush from her house.  It had been nestled next to her kitchen porch my entire life and at her mother's house before that.  Last week the first bud emerged from this antique briar and I felt overwhelmingly blessed to have this growing piece of history as a daily reminder of my young life on the farm, living next to my grandma, where every little girl should grow up.

(Visit my other blog to see photos of Nana and Q)

Asymmetry

I am in a constant internal fight with the world around me because I want to organize the world into lines.  If you want to torture me, put me in a queuing line where the ropes are wide and people are standing about all willy nilly with no regard for the orderly fashion that the ropes are trying to impose.

I think I was really meant to live in Germany or Japan where there is respect and understanding for order.  Forget that they were fighting for the same side during WWII and have a reputation for falling in line behind the wrong people...that is beside the point.

In my old age, I have learned that asymmetry has its place and I, in turn, am trying to make a place for it in my world which it is truly a struggle.  A great struggle similar to my aversion to wearing color. These are invitations to be noticed and I would rather avoid the attention of a wandering eye.  I would like to stand nicely in a row in my non branded jeans and black shirt with a grey coat on.  Perhaps I want to live on the set of Gattaca.

This internal fight manifests itself each spring as I struggle with how I know I would like my garden to look and the reality.  What I would like is for it to be a little wild with the plants growing where they feel it best, patches of color sprinkled by a variety of plant species each coming up at the appropriate stage of summer.  The veggies in beautiful rows where they thrive according to the light and produce colorful edibles to fill my basket.

What I end up with is bushes pruned too short, half dead flowing plants showing obvious neglect, unplanned placement of foliage inappropriate for the climate and uncreative rows of annual flowers scattered on the borders or in decrepit pots with little deviation in color.  The result, a poor presentation and a lot of regret with my personality struggles on display.

Please garden fairies, help me. I know it is not more work or more money to invest in the right things, I just get lost and cannot create a cohesive vision because I am trying to control nature and that never works out well.

Dealing with loss. Or the lack thereof

I am losing the following:

Sleep

Sanity

Handfulls of hair

Faith that this too shall pass

Patience

Perspective

Drive

In contrast, I am not losing:

My round belly & jiggly arms

Guilt

Cravings for sugar and boos

The desire for a new house

My appetite

Fancy Family

A few links to fancy people in my family:

Little Niece Berkley (she is the cute one with the huge eyes in the stripes) on a photo shoot for a really talented photographer.  You should follow her blog.

Sister Heather with her fancy new hair made it on the salon's blog for fancy people. You should have Suzanne color and cut your hair.  She has done mine for 15 years or more and I think she is magic.

The Williams Family is doing good things to help people and you should help them!  They are supported by Tom's  and people who write newspapers think they are important enough to feature them.  You should buy a shirt.

ktriggs shared an Instagram photo with you

Hi there,

ktriggs just shared an Instagram photo with you:

view full image

Thanks,
The Instagram Team