2012 Closes. Finally.

This year has been too hard and I will raise a glass to see it pass.  We should not wish away time, not when it is so scarce and precious but the passing of time this year has been heavy.  I had no idea there could be such deep sadness and such profound joy all tangled together.  I suppose that just means I haven't lived long enough yet.

Q joined our family this year and I would say she has changed me but I think it is more that she has tapped me.  Meeting her has released a better version of myself than I had access to before we met.  It is clear to me now that although I have doubts about my daily approach to parenting, being a mother is what I was meant to do.   I am often cynical about it and dismissive of how fulfilling it is, but I truly feel that this tiny, infuriating, person was the missing piece.

Q joining the family was its own set of dramatic circumstances I care not to repeat.  Thinking about them makes me cry for the frustration of the pain, the length of recovery and for the time lost while I was in a pain killing stupor and should have been loving and bonding with my baby.  In 2013, I hope to be able to let go of the guilt and anger surrounding her arrival.

Too many people were lost this year. I had 4 dear friends lose their fathers: Allison Green lost her dad, Garry.  Amy Holt lost her dad, Holt. Angie King lost her dad, Doug and Natalka Zeleny lost her dad, John.  Our friend Jeff, husband to Natalka lost his sister, Kristi.  E' s long time best friend, Elaine, lost her younger brother, Alex.  I lost my friend and business partner, Eric and we also lost E's Gram, mother to my favorite people and the matriarch of a tight, wonderful family.

Each of these losses was no more than one person removed from our daily lives and it has profoundly effected me.

I also need to mention all of the lives lost in mass shootings across the country.  The Colorado movie theater massacre, the Sikh worshipers in Wisconsin and the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings.  151 people lost members of their families to crazy people with guns. It has made me question if bringing Q into this world was too selfish.

I feel the loss of life very profoundly, not necessarily more than others but it strikes me deep.  It has been a year of aching hearts for so many around me and I feel helpless to comfort them.

This year has made me tired.  I go into 2013 with deep breaths and hopes of a calmer, kinder passage of time.

Happy New Year.