It was my mom's birthday last week. She was born on Pearl Harbor Day and my grandma had threatened to name her Pearl, which drove my grandfather crazy.
I was unsure of what to do for her birthday this year. Last year it seemed so clear. You cry a little, miss her, cry a little more, mope around most of the day and pay a visit to the graveyard to drop a little token. It was still a hard day this year, I think it will always be. In fact, I hope I will never be numb to how much I miss her. I had plans of leaving work early to go to Orem and just hang out, take an easy afternoon of reflection but as work tends to do, it ate up my afternoon and evening and I didn't actually leave work until 5:30, five hours after I had intended. This aggravated me to no end. There is nothing sacred any more and it is important days like my mom's birthday that make me resent work and the heavy handed role it plays in my life. I did chose to stay at work so it wasn't as if I was truly trapped but I just didn't feel right leaving.
When I did finally make it to Orem the day wasn't about mom. I was so frustrated. We went to dinner with my Aunt, uncle and cousin who were in town from San Diego for a wedding and didn't even talk about my mom. People are so afraid to talk about the dead. It is a fine balance between dwelling and acknowledging and I don't know that I have found that balance yet.
After dinner we went home where there was some tension because of a "family situation" and in the end, Adrian, dad and I found ourselves standing around mom's grave is the drizzling rain wiping salt tears and cold rain off our cheeks. All 3 of us were so solitary standing there looking at her head stone and if they felt anything like me they were angry that mom hasn't been here to coach us all through the past year. Poor little Adrian standing there 7 months pregnant and more alone than ever.
I wonder when I will stop being angry.
That Sunday I decided I needed a pot roast. Tim had come over once and told me that my house smelled like mom (what he meant was the pot roast) so I feel like that is the ultimate comfort food for me. It didn't bring her back but we did gather and laugh which is as close as we can come.
Happy Birthday, mom.
This is mom in her thesis performance of Katharine in Taming of the Shrew. She looks so grand.
